Emotion Immulsion

I've now started writing this blog twice, and erased it both times.
Maybe its bad form to ask questions in a blog, considering I always assumed blogs were journals of all the thins that we did today or thought of.
but I have to ask, to no particular person, if they have ever had a slight urge to scream that slowely, over the course of many months, turned into a ball of anger that grates away inside your chest until you feel like biting through iron pipes for relief?

This always happens every couple of months, I feel like I'm slipping; loosing my grip on reality, and I prepare to just turn in on myself and start a weeklong self-hating spree.
But it seems like I rarely do it. Hell, I almost feel like doing it just to break from tradition.

Adding to this stress, is the fact that I am fully aware that I have no right to complain!
I've got it very good right now, and my problems are nothing in comparison to the problems of the world, but that doesn't make the feelings go away.

I can trace my frustration to a simple fact: The world of grown-ups I envisioned when I was knee high dissappeared, and I was left with the world of today, a world of chaos, where people are aggressive for the sake of being aggressive, and where complaining like a child will get you what you want. This is not the suit-wearing, speak-easy attending jazz party I was led to believe I could be a part of upon my transfer into manhood.

I did get very lucky on one account though.
I've been talking to Sakie more and more on the phone, on MSN, through webcams, and relizing that, if I had any doubts about our engagment, they were wrong.
Sakie is leagues above what I even could have dreamed was waiting for me in adulthood.
Even if the whole world turned against me (which may very well be the case someday) I could weather the storm with her by my side.
On the flipside of that however, I've given her so much of myself that losing her could get me institutionalized.

I dont even have an ideal situation to say "If only the world were THIS"
I have no idea what would fix the world, I dont even know what would fix MY world.
I only know, right now, I feel pretty well twisted.

Stress is a killer, so is standing still

I want to stop being myself day in and day out.
I want to run.
I want to duck, bob, weave, dive, roll, bound, and leap.
I want to shoot and dodge,
I want to kick in doors, and hunker down behind cover.
I want to fire fire fire,
run dry, and reload.
I want to rack up the kills, and feel the sting of becoming a simulated casualty.

I'm ready to shed these common clothes and don my armor.
I'm fed up wearing the merchant's disguise, I'm ready to shed it,
and put on the shining knight's armor that is my second skin.

RAGE!

Every time I sit down to a computer without locking my bedroom door, my mom sneaks in and yells "THIS IS WHY YOU FAIL CLASSES!"

My temporary crown has come loose, and now falls out of my mouth whenever I'm not holding it in my tongue.

Still stuck in a shitty job.

Think I'm going to be getting a C in math, its passing, but at the time of the first Mid-term i was getting an A.

Isn't it unhealthy to sleep just to escapse the responsibilities of being awake?

Awesome

Wells fargo is now going to charge me 12 percent intrest on my 600 dollar loan because they dont allow you to make payments in their banks and dont let me make my payment with a debit card online. Fucking awesome.

Lick my balls Wells Fargo you fucking criminals.

The Rising Sun

She was here, and now she's gone,
where I a more creative man, I could write a sad sonnet about it.
Lucky for you I'm not a creative man.

Having her here to talk to and bounce ideas off of was a great experience.
Our marriage is also a great source of motivation for me.
I have to become successful for the sake of my future plans.
We even constructed a 3 year plan while she was here, in an attempt to find out when the next time we would be able to see each other for a sizable amount of time.
It is similar to my old plan, only the chunks have been moved around and its been compressed thanks to one particular compromise; I'm going to quit my shitty job and become a full time student again.

Now, that is not to say I'm giving my 2-week notice on Friday, just that instead of working until i get my Associates, taking Phlebotomy classes, and working while I'm at PSU, finishing school in 3 to 4 more years,
I'm going to be quiting my job after I get my associates, and starting as a full time student at PSU. This has 2 benifits, 1) I finish faster, 2 years as opposed to 4, and 2) Full time students can study abroad, which I have always wanted to do anyway, and since I am in a position where I am handed these oppurtunities on a silver platter, I plan to take full advantage of them while I can. While some may say this is selfish, and taking advantage of my parents good will in paying for my college, they are open to the idea of my studying abroad, and I would never be able to do this one my own, and will probably never get a second chance at this type of experience, I have to bust through this window of oppurtunity.

The icing on the cake is if I got a new part time job at Airsoft Outlet NW, in their new location near downtown, I could work a handful of hours every week and take home a little spending money without it getting in the way of my school or playtime.

Of course, this is all just a plan, the only things I know for sure are that Sakie and I are now engaged, and that I am going to do everything in my power to seal the deal and marry this amazing young woman.

Whistles through my Gran Turino

So Sakie and I decided to use these Cinemark gift certificates I've had for so long, and we checked out the listings for our nearby theatre.
He's just not that into you...no thanks,
Defience...Sakie not into the war movies,
Confessions of a shopaholic.../gag
Gran Turino FUCK YEA BUDDY! (both parties...at the same time)

So we catch the 9:45 showing.
I have to say that this movie is not only, in my opinion, one of Clint Eastwood's best works as a director, but also and actor; I would even go so far as to say that this is now one of my all time favorite films, to go on the shelf next to my copy of Singin' in the Rain, Theif and the Cobbler, The Alamo, and Wall-E.
If you haven't seen this film yet, spend the money to see it.
If you are truelly that stingy, I will be buying it on blu-ray the day it comes out, you can come over and watch it on my big ol' TV.

The part I love most about it is the message I took from it, and the story of a man who wasn't necissarily a good person, but was a honest and brave man.

I'd love to elaborate but I'm all reved up from the post-movie high, and must go play some Company of Heroes.

"Johnson, your on the flame thrower so be careful!"

Less the 24 hours!

I think I'm ready for her!
...just gonna play some TF2 till I pass out.