Monday, June 6, 2011

Benedict Arnold: A Victim of Circumstance

Throughout history there has been only a handful of me who's names would become synonymous with character traits. When someone shows particular intelligence in science or math, we might call him or her an Einstein. A person capable of writing wonderful poetry might be referred to as “a real Shakespeare”, regardless of whether the style matches or not. There is yet another man who's' name is used, although many don't know why. The name Benedict Arnold has been synonymous with treason and backstabbing for generations; but who was Benedict Arnold, and what did he do to earn himself this place in American slang?

Benedict Arnold is most commonly known in America for a single act: Leaving the Colonial Army to join the British during the American Revolutionary War. The details of his betrayal are not often conveyed in great detail, with the emphasis being put on the changing of sides, rather then the impact it had on the war, or of Arnold's actions before or after. Barry K. Wilson begins his book Benedict Arnold: A Traitor in Our Midst with: “In a way, Benedict Arnold was born to greatness. In a more profound way, however, he was a self-made man.” (3). A strange way to start a book with such a strong title. Perhaps Wilson is un-patriotic, or more likely there is more to be understood about the man who has gone down in history as the standard for treason in the United States of America.

Benedict Arnold was born on the 14th of January, 1741 into a life of excitement. According to Wilson, Arnold was “his parents' only surviving son at a time of high infant mortality. It was also a time of constant wars against the French, Indian raids, and yellow fever, which claimed two of his sisters and many neighbors. It was a time of religious upheaval and constant danger.” (3). To survive one's youth in such a hectic time in history is, in itself, a sign of fortitude. As a child, Arnold would continue to showcase his fortitude through his actions. The stories form Benedict's childhood seem more like fiction then reality:

He is described as an athletic, fearless child who was a strong skater (the climate in those days produced frozen rivers most years in Connecticut), a natural leader, and a daredevil. He watched local militia train and learned the routines. He learned to canoe, snowshoe, and survive in the forests from local Abenaki Indians. Once, he grabbed one of the revolving blades on the water-wheel at the local mill and let it carry him around under the water and up the other side. He impressed local boys by jumping over loaded wagons and by confronting and refusing to back down from local constables.” (Wilson 5)

Arnold, in his youth, sounds like the poster boy for the ideal American youth. Fearless, clever, and tough. These are the character traits he would continue to exhibit throughout his life.

Young Arnold’s constitution may be in part because of his family history and upbringing. His mother was “a severe and strict Puritan who believed that her only son had been hand-picked by God for greatness.” (Wilson 3). His father, “a businessman who plied the high seas and liked a dram or two of liquor.” (Wilson 3). Arnold was born into a long line of self-made men, men of great stature in the colonies. The turmoil of the times, however, was putting this not-yet-tarnished name in jeopardy. Benedict's grandfather had spent most of the family fortune amassed by those before him, and his own father was, due to business turmoil brought on by the British Navel Blockades, on the fast track to a life at the bottom of a bottle: “That year, 1754, marked the collapse of the world that the spirited promising boy had known and in which he felt comfortable. His father's trading business had suffered because of the British naval blockades. Debts had built up. His business collapsed and Benedict, Sr, became the town drunk.” (Wilson 5). Wilson goes on to pose the idea that the events surrounding the downfall of his father's business where possibly the cause of a void in young Benedict; one that he would try to fill with prestige and wealth in his later years. His father’s descent into alcoholism would also “[give] Arnold a life-long aversion to heavy drinking, particularly by soldiers.” (Wilson 6).

At the age of 13, Arnold’s mother sent him to live with a wealthy relative by the name of Daniel Lathrop, a druggist and tradesman. Arnold was to be an apprentice druggist, as well as learn the ins and outs of horse-trading. Here, in addition to his trade, he would learn to be a gentleman. Arnold was meant to stay under Lathrop's instruction until the age of 21, but a young man of Benedict’s vitality and capacity could hardly sit still.

In 1758, at the age of seventeen, he ran away to join the army as it prepared to attack the French-controlled Fort Ticonderoga on Lake Champlain. He was returned after his mother interceded. Early the next year, he ran away again to join the army and was reported as a missing indentured servant, at large without permission. Again he was returned to the Lathrup’s. By then he had fallen in love with the lure and promise of military life. (Wilson 6)

Arnold knew at this point he could make his fortune through his work as a druggist and tradesmen, but the life in the military would give him the prestige he desired.

Arnold finally persuaded his mother to let him join the army in the spring of 1759, but unfortunately for him, the fight against French controlled Canada was coming to a close. With nothing but boot camp to look foreword to, Arnold became restless once again. Then, in May of that same year, his mother became ill, and he went AWOL. His absence was not overlooked: “An army advertisement offering a reward for his return was placed in the New York Gazette in May 1759, but he eluded the army until his mother died, during the summer, and he had handled the details of her death and burial.” (Wilson 6). This highlights another aspect of Arnold’s character that has always been treasured by our society: Loyalty. Knowing that he was putting his prestige, his military career, and possibly his life, on the line, he still chose to desert the army to be at his mother’s bedside. Even when the army was actively looking for him, a point at which many may have given in and tried to plead their case, Benedict continued to evade the army until the details of his mother’s burial had been completely taken care of. Again Arnold’s story imitates a work of fiction, his character built in a way to make the reader empathize with his situation, and paint him the hero.

In the winter of 1760, Arnold was out of the army, wanting nothing to do with boot camp. He once again went back to the Lathrop's, quickly excelling in the trade business. Only a couple years later, in 1762, at the age of 21, Arnold set out on his own to New Haven and set up shop across from Yale College. It was here that he would stay until the country began to stir after the Boston Massacre of 1770. Willard M. Wallace, in his book Traitorous Hero; The Life and Fortunes of Benedict Arnold, writes of Arnold’s reaction to hearing the news of the massacre:

On hearing the news in June while trading at St. George's Key in the West Indies, he wrote at once to a New Haven merchant friend and future selectman, Benjamin Douglas. 'Good God,' he exploded, 'are the Americans all asleep and calmly giving up their glorious liberties, or, are they all turned philosophers, and they don't take immediate vengeance on such miscreants. I am afraid of the latter and that we shall all soon see ourselves as poor and as much oppressed as ever heathen philosopher was. (31-32).

Arnold fully supported and approved of the Sons of Liberty organizations popping up all over the colonies, speaking out on the oppression of the crown. Such a patriotic attitude was not uncommon at the time, but Arnold was particularly enthusiastic towards the cause and against the crown. He was so enthusiastic, in fact, that in 1774 “he and David Wooster, subsequently a general in the Revolution, are alleged to have attempted to use force on the Loyalist clergyman, the Reverend Samuel Peters.” (Wallace 32). Not exactly the attitude and actions of a man who has gone down in history as one of America's worst traitors, for a man known to be a good Christian to rough up a clergyman for speaking out against the Revolutionist cause.

When, on December 28th, 1774, the men that would lead the revolution met, Benedict Arnold, now 33 years of age, was among them. Arnold was almost immediately placed in charge of the “Governor's Second Company of Guards”, and:

Membership in the Footguards, as they were subsequently called, conferred a certain prestige, while the command position conferred both prestige and power, particularly in the event of hostilities; it also signified a real recognition of leadership and ability. Such a post was dear to Arnold's heart, and he was soon to have an opportunity to demonstrate its importance. (Wallace 34).

That opportunity would come only months later, when, in April 1775, British Regulars under the command of General Gage made their way towards Lexington with the intention of capturing the Colonial leaders John Hancock and Sam Adams before moving on to Concord in order to seize weapons and supplies. It was during this operation that two more American legends occurred: the midnight ride of Paul Revere, and the “Shot heard round the world”. Word of these events made their way to New Haven, where according to ushistory.org:

A local militia commander and wealthy shopkeeper named Benedict Arnold demanded the keys to a local powder house. After arming himself and paying money from his own pocket to outfit a group of militia from Massachusetts, Arnold and his men set off for upstate New York. He was searching for artillery that was badly needed for the Colonial effort and reckoned that he could commandeer some cannon by capturing Fort Ticonderoga, a rotting relic from the French and Indian War. (ushistory.org)

With the help of Ethan Allen and his “Green Mountain Boys”, Arnold did capture Fort Ticonderoga. This gained him enough prestige to be recognized by the ever-growing Continental Army. So much so, that Arnold’s letter to General George Washington was heard, and his advice acted upon. Arnold had suggested the invasion of Canada via the wilderness. He was not alone in the idea that the invasion of Canada could help the Colonial cause: “The idea of invading Canada through Maine no more originated with any single individual than had the idea of capturing Ticonderoga, though, in both instances, Arnold proposed a plan of action.” (Wallace 57).

Arnold’s campaign into Canada started out a bit rough. In September of 1775, while Brigadier General Richard Montgomery and his small army set out with the intention of taking Montreal, Arnold was to take his 1,100 men “up the Kenebec River, across the wilds of Maine, and down the Chaudière to join with Montgomery before Quebec.” (“Matloff and Ulanoff, 11). While Montgomery was being held back by the British at St. Johns, Benedict and his forces where being swallowed up by the wilderness:

Arnold meanwhile had arrived opposite Quebec on November 8, after one of the most rugged marches in history. One part of his force had turned back and others were lost by starvation, sickness, drowning, and desertions. Only 600 men crossed the St. Lawrence on November 13th, and in imitation of Wolfe scaled the cliffs and encamped on the Plains of Abraham. Matloff and Ulanoff, 11-12).

Unfortunately for him, this was not enough men to take on the forces of the residential Canadian forces and British Regulars. He was forced to take his small tattered army to join Montgomery’s forces at Point aux Trembles. With their depleted forces, they decided to act.

With the enlistment of about half of their men expiring by the new year, Arnold and Montgomery understood a desperate assault on the city during the night of December 30 in the middle of a raging blizzard. The Americans were outnumbered by the defenders, and the attack was a failure. Montgomery was killed and Arnold was wounded. (Matloff and Ulanoff, 13)

This was the first of many times Arnold would be injured fighting in the interest of the Colonial government. It was in this campaign that Colonel Arnold would prove to be a steadfast fighter in addition to a fiery patriot. “The wounded Arnold, undaunted, continued to keep up the appearance of a siege with the scattered remnants of his force while he waited for reinforcements.” (Matloff and Ulanoff 13) The reinforcements would come, but they would never come in numbers great enough to overtake the Canadians and the British. With the rampant disease and lack of supplies, the American forces were scattered in 1776, and the Canadian front abandoned.

Upon returning to the Colonies from the Canadian campaign, Arnold found the legislature once again unwilling to repay him for the money he had paid out of pocket during the campaign. This bitter pill mixed poorly with the news that he had also been passed up for promotion, news that would cause him to write up his first resignation from the army. At this time, Arnold’s attitude towards the governing body of the colonies began to change. “He was supposed, it seemed, to regard Congress as his mother had wished him to regard God, as a superior power to which you submitted in a mood of abject praise. To be abject had not suited his temperament as a boy and it did not suit him as a man.” (Flexner 124-125). The mistreatment he endured at the hands of Congress was taken personally, and Gen. Washington himself, trying to hold his army together, and now an acquaintance of Arnold’s, denied him his resignation. “After thanking Arnold for sticking at his Providence command as long as there was any danger, Washington made it clear that he had only asked Arnold to hold off his resignation until it could be determined whether Congress had really passed him over.” (Flexner 124). For a man like Arnold, who was spurred by his desire for wealth and prestige, to be undervalued time and time again by the very Congress he fought for, his only comfort was that these events where heard with similar response from his fellow officers, including Washington himself. Arnold was, at this point, somewhat of a hero in the Colonial army, after all.

Arnold, again fitting the description of an ideal American, had to occupy his mind with work in order to cope with his problems with Congress. “He tried to occupy himself by joining his crony Oswald in a violent hunt for subversive activities among the New Haven Tories, which resulted in one man being hanged as a spy.” (Flexner 125). This would come as a shock to those of us thought that Arnold was a traitor through and through, to learn that the man was at one point actively hunting subversive activity and British spies in the Colonies in order the prosecute them. A message on the morning of April 25th, 1777 would put an end to this portion of his career however. The British had landed 2,000 troops on Compo Point near Norwalk. Arnold once again threw on his officers’ coat and rallied his men. He met with General Wooster on the road to Norwalk. Wooster, now commander of the Connecticut militia, had seen as much, if not more combat then Arnold himself. And, “Although not friends, the two had seen much action together; both had been affronted by Congress. Silently, they spurred their horses, each eager to achieve a bold stroke that would refurbish his tarnished reputation.” (Flexner 125). After a heated battle in which Gen. Wooster was killed, Arnold’s men began to retreat. Arnold was about to show his toughness, along with his dedication to the cause once again.

Seeing the enemy above them, Arnold’s men abandoned the barricade. When, conspicuous on his tall mount, he lingered to keep the retreat orderly, thirty Hessians raised their guns, aimed, and fired. Eight bullets struck his horse, which fell so precipitously that Arnold, although unhurt, could not disentangle his foot from the stirrup. He landed face downward in the bloody grime. As he lifted his face, he saw a soldier in the hated uniform of a Tory regiment leaning over him with a naked bayonet. “You are my Prisoner!”

Arnold’s pistol hand came free. “Not yet!” he cried and pulled the trigger. Dodging the falling body, he sprang to his feet and sprinted for a nearby swamp through a hail of musket shot and grape. As he stood their panting, still unharmed although his hat was full of bullet holes, he learned that Wooster had walked boldly into cannon fire and fallen with a mortal would. (Flexner 127).

Although he lost the battle, his actions could no longer be ignored by Congress, who finally commissioned him a Major General. However, Arnold failed to be restored his seniority in relation to the officers Congress had promoted over his head. Now Arnold hated them as much as they feared and resented him.

One of the few real powers congressmen had was control over promotions and pay within the fledgling continental army. The politicians jealously guarded their political control over the military, believing that an independent army was a stage on the road to tyranny. They were resentful of military leaders like Arnold who bristled at political orders issued by those who were safely away from the battle front.”(Wilson 145).

It is important to note that Arnold now appeared to congress as something out of this world. A man with seemingly unshakable constitution (Congress didn't know about Arnold’s plan to resign after the Quebec campaign), apparently indestructible on the battlefield, who abstained from drinking and who disdained cowards who gave orders from the safety of their congressional seats.

In 1779, Arnold appealed to Congress. He was out of funds to sustain his portion of the army, the upkeep of which he had been paying out of his own pocket. “even though he had joined the cause for years before as one of Connecticut’s wealthiest men. He had used much of his personal fortune to finance the Canadian invasion, yet Congress still had not paid the bills he had submitted, often challenging them because Arnold did not keep proper receipts.” (Wilson 146). Now with the issue of his seniority in the military mixed with his financial worries, he would have to face yet another hardship: Personality conflict. Arnold had a rival in Horatio Gates. “…the two men were vying for military glory from the same battles. In reports back to Congress, Gates consistently downplayed or denied entirely Arnold’s battlefield triumphs.” (Wilson 147). Here Arnold found himself more at war with his own side then the British. Arnold’s rivals went so far as to “[twist] his life-saving smallpox inoculation program [in the wilderness of Maine] into a dangerous decision to spread smallpox among his own troops.” (Wilson 149). During the Battle of Saratoga Arnold was injured once again, and through some divine providence, did not succumb to his wounds. No longer fit for battle, however, Gen. Washington struggled to find a place for him. Washington decided to make Arnold the military governor of Philadelphia. However, “Washington’s attempt to favor his old comrade with an easy job while he healed was a monumental error in judgment. It put a man of action behind a bureaucratic desk.” (Wilson 149). As we’ve learned from Arnold’s history, there was nothing he despised more then the bureaucracy.

All of these events drove Arnold farther from the cause. The final tug may have come from Peggy Shippen; an 18 year old Tory, the product of high-class and old money, who regularly entertained British officers during their occupation of the city. In 1778, although twice her age, Arnold proposed marriage with the blessing of her father, Judge Edward Shippen. Peggy Shippen had high-level British and Loyalist contacts, which Arnold would later use. The most notable of which is John Andre, the man that would later become Arnold’s messenger to the British, and hang for it. Neither Peggy, nor Arnold would make the first move, however.

As far as historians can tell, the British made the first move. It was not uncommon for leaders of the revolutionary forces to have their loyalty tested by hints from contacts on the other side about the possibility of cooperation to end the turmoil, killing, terror, and exodus of refugees that marked the conflict. Arnold would have been a natural target because of his well-publicized feuds with the radicals, his unhappiness with the political leadership of the united colonies, his Loyalist connections through the Shippens, and perhaps even the rumors of some very unrevolutionary opinions that he supposedly expressed in the drawing-room of the governor’s mansion, Mount Pleasant. (Wilson155-156).

John Andre had been acquainted with Arnold for quite some time. He had been held as a prisoner of war by Arnold’s forces for a number of months during the war, and was acquainted with Peggy Shippen from her time spent entertaining British officers, he had in fact painted Peggy’s portrait at one point. Sir Henry Clinton made Andre the head of his spy section, and together they began to work towards Arnold’s defection to the British side. They knew the time had come when in the spring of 1780, Congress “finally refused Arnold’s request that he be reimbursed for thousands of dollars of war expenses paid out of his own pocket. Instead, congressmen insisted that he owed them close to nine thousand dollars for receipts not submitted on cash advances paid to him before the Quebec campaign.” (Wilson 154).

When Arnold finally indicated that he was interested in talking to the British, Clinton and Andre gave it their full attention. After all, regardless of his fallings out with Congress, Arnold was still a hero of the revolution, and to turn him to the side of the British would do much to discredit the new government. Clinton decided to test Arnold by letting him know he did not wish for him to defect, but rather work as a double agent. Arnold went along with the scheme under the premise that he be paid ten thousand pounds upon his eventual defection. The sum was great, but Clinton didn't want to lose out on the chance, and assured Arnold he would be greatly rewarded. At this point, Arnold became a full-blown spy. “He took the code name Gustavus and developed an elaborate, if simple, system for exchanging encoded messages with Andre.” (Wilson 156). These codes usually involved both parties using page numbers, line numbers, and word numbers coinciding with a book they both owned. Arnold supplied Clinton with information that was “largely innocuous and usually available to the British elsewhere.” (Wilson 156). In the summer of 1780, even though Gen. Washington was ready to put Arnold back on active duty, Arnold had had enough and decided to defect, with the intention of delivering the key American post of West Point over to the British, along the way. After having begged Washington for the post of West Point, Arnold began to contemplate how best to move forward with his plan to defect, and how to make the most profit from it. The stakes got even higher on September 15th: “Arnold received word that Washington would be passing through and spending the night at West Point on 24 September. Maybe he could deliver the American leader as well. Surely that would end the war and make him a rich hero.” (Wilson 158).

It is here that Arnold stumbled. In his rushed attempt to include Washington as a bargaining chip, his messenger, John Andre, was captured by militia near Tarrytown, just north of New York, and just short of safety. Out of the whole debacle, Arnold did have one stroke of luck: “Andre was carrying incriminating documents. The unsuspecting militiamen, seeing Arnold’s name, assumed he should know and sent the documents to him. Their blunder saved his life.” (Wilson 159). John Andre on the other hand, would suffer death, and although he appealed to Gen. Washington himself to die like a soldier, he would be hung, an execution reserved for the spy.

Of his captors, who were about to execute the martial law, he made but one request; it was his wish to die the death of a soldier, and he requested that he might be shot.(n23)

But by the customs of war, a spy must suffer death in its most ignominious form, and it was the opinion of Washington and the officers he consulted, that this case ought to form no exception. (“Major John Andre”)

Gen. Washington was set to arrive at West Point on Monday the 25th of September, a day late, but early enough in the morning to have breakfast with his old acquaintance and his family. Arnold, un-aware of Andre’s capture, assumed that his plan to turn over Washington and West Point was still to go off without a hitch. Within an hour of Washington’s arrival however, a messenger arrived with a packet for him. “The general read it, excused himself, went to tell Peggy that he had been discovered, and then rode to the river and commandeered a boat to row him around the corner to the Vulture, where the British awaited his arrival.” (Wilson 159). When Washington arrived at Arnold’s home, he was nowhere to be found, and his wife was said to be indisposed. Unshaken, Washington and his party went to their rooms and began to change their clothes. “As Lafayette was dressing, Hamilton dashed in with the request that he attend at once to the commander. He found Washington trembling with emotions, a packet of papers in his hand…’Arnold has betrayed us. Whom can we trust now?’” (Wilson 159).

Of his defection, Arnold didn't have much to say. In a letter to the people of the colonies, Arnold justifies his actions:

A very few words, however, shall suffice upon a Subject so personal, for to the thousands who suffer under the tyranny of the Usurpers in the revolted Provinces, as well as to the great multitude who have long wished for its Subversion, this instance of my Conduct can want no Vindication, as to that class of Men who are Criminally protracting the War from Sinister Views, at the expense of the Public Interest, I prefer their Enmity to their applause. I am only, therefore, Concerned in this address to explain myself to such of my Countrymen as want Abilities or Opportunities to detect the Artifices by which they are duped. (“To the Inhabitants…”).

Arnold goes on to explain that his resolution was that of a war of defense. A idea that he claims was lost when the French entered the war, which turned it into a land grab. The war he had been fighting for so many years was not the war he had resolved his life and fortune to.

In conclusion, Benedict Arnold was an American hero who put life and limb on the line in the name of liberty to the same degree as the men who now have giant stone monuments to honor them. It is perhaps Arnold’s place among these men that made his treason that much more impressive. Knowing the full history of his trials, however, elicits more thought. Was Arnold truly a traitor through and through? Or was he a victim of beauracracy left with no other options? History would like us to believe that he was a traitor all along, if we are to believe that to be true, then Arnold really was the greatest deceiver, shedding blood and helping win a war against his handlers for the sake of his cover. I’m more prone to believe that Arnold was a great patriot, but an unfortunate victim of his own ambition, and the ambitions of his peers.


Works Cited

"Major John Andre." Major John Andre (2009): 468. Academic Search Complete. EBSCO. Web. 5 June 2011.


Flexner, James T. The Traitor and the Spy: Benedict Arnold and John Andre. New York: Harcourt, Brace and Company, 1953. Print.


Wallace, Willard M. Traitorous Hero: The Life and Fortunes of Benedict Arnold. New York: Harper & Brothers, 1954. Print.


Arnold, Benedict. “To the Inhabitants of America.” The American Revolution: Writings from the War of Independence. New York: Literary Classics of the United States, Inc., 2001. Print.


Maltoff, Maurice, and Ulanoff, Stanley M. American Wars and Heroes. New York: Arco Publishing, Inc.1985. Print.


Wilson, Barry K. Benedict Arnold: A Traitor in Our Midst. London: McGill-Queen’s University Press, 2001. Print.


“Lexington and Condord.” www.ushistory.org. us-history, n.d. Web. 6 June 2011.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Ketchup

Working 7 days a week has started to catch up with me again.
A good solid day of sleep would set me strait, but as it stands, I feel like I have to make a conscious effort to stop my joints from separating.

I'm really excited to start classes on Monday. To think, 2 years and my life will take off like a rocket propelled Ferrari.

To tired to think of anything else to write about, just cant wait until I've got a little time to myself when I'm not working, writing for podcasts, or keeping up the Mithril Forums to keep the team on the same page.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Wasted Again

so here I am again.
had quite the day, the whole deal with the post office and working for a tyrant and people driving like all the world must bow at their feet.

I have always prided myself for, while not being the most well informed or smartest individual, keeping a cool head about myself; today I am totally failing at that. Every little thing has sent me off on a bout of rage.
and every time I think about Sakie, I just want to toss myself from the nearest precipice. She hasn't done anything wrong, but damn the fates who put her so far away from me, and for so long.
As much as others want to understand, I dont think they ever could.
It's akin to having a loving family who will support you and love you through thick and thin, but living your life getting only letters from them, never actually getting to meet them.

I guess it happens every couple of weeks though, I get frustrated and proceed to beat myself up over it, or drink myself into a stupor over it.
Tonight I decided to to the latter, and now, if you'll excuse me, I have a vision of passing out in the folds of my sheets, in the bed we shared, hoping that sleep will bring me closer to her.

Ha, sappy posts about love and loss, and with it I become another one of the people listening to the joke that is life, to terrified to laugh at the punchline.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Emotion Immulsion

I've now started writing this blog twice, and erased it both times.
Maybe its bad form to ask questions in a blog, considering I always assumed blogs were journals of all the thins that we did today or thought of.
but I have to ask, to no particular person, if they have ever had a slight urge to scream that slowely, over the course of many months, turned into a ball of anger that grates away inside your chest until you feel like biting through iron pipes for relief?

This always happens every couple of months, I feel like I'm slipping; loosing my grip on reality, and I prepare to just turn in on myself and start a weeklong self-hating spree.
But it seems like I rarely do it. Hell, I almost feel like doing it just to break from tradition.

Adding to this stress, is the fact that I am fully aware that I have no right to complain!
I've got it very good right now, and my problems are nothing in comparison to the problems of the world, but that doesn't make the feelings go away.

I can trace my frustration to a simple fact: The world of grown-ups I envisioned when I was knee high dissappeared, and I was left with the world of today, a world of chaos, where people are aggressive for the sake of being aggressive, and where complaining like a child will get you what you want. This is not the suit-wearing, speak-easy attending jazz party I was led to believe I could be a part of upon my transfer into manhood.

I did get very lucky on one account though.
I've been talking to Sakie more and more on the phone, on MSN, through webcams, and relizing that, if I had any doubts about our engagment, they were wrong.
Sakie is leagues above what I even could have dreamed was waiting for me in adulthood.
Even if the whole world turned against me (which may very well be the case someday) I could weather the storm with her by my side.
On the flipside of that however, I've given her so much of myself that losing her could get me institutionalized.

I dont even have an ideal situation to say "If only the world were THIS"
I have no idea what would fix the world, I dont even know what would fix MY world.
I only know, right now, I feel pretty well twisted.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Stress is a killer, so is standing still

I want to stop being myself day in and day out.
I want to run.
I want to duck, bob, weave, dive, roll, bound, and leap.
I want to shoot and dodge,
I want to kick in doors, and hunker down behind cover.
I want to fire fire fire,
run dry, and reload.
I want to rack up the kills, and feel the sting of becoming a simulated casualty.

I'm ready to shed these common clothes and don my armor.
I'm fed up wearing the merchant's disguise, I'm ready to shed it,
and put on the shining knight's armor that is my second skin.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

RAGE!

Every time I sit down to a computer without locking my bedroom door, my mom sneaks in and yells "THIS IS WHY YOU FAIL CLASSES!"

My temporary crown has come loose, and now falls out of my mouth whenever I'm not holding it in my tongue.

Still stuck in a shitty job.

Think I'm going to be getting a C in math, its passing, but at the time of the first Mid-term i was getting an A.

Isn't it unhealthy to sleep just to escapse the responsibilities of being awake?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Awesome

Wells fargo is now going to charge me 12 percent intrest on my 600 dollar loan because they dont allow you to make payments in their banks and dont let me make my payment with a debit card online. Fucking awesome.

Lick my balls Wells Fargo you fucking criminals.