Emotion Immulsion

I've now started writing this blog twice, and erased it both times.
Maybe its bad form to ask questions in a blog, considering I always assumed blogs were journals of all the thins that we did today or thought of.
but I have to ask, to no particular person, if they have ever had a slight urge to scream that slowely, over the course of many months, turned into a ball of anger that grates away inside your chest until you feel like biting through iron pipes for relief?

This always happens every couple of months, I feel like I'm slipping; loosing my grip on reality, and I prepare to just turn in on myself and start a weeklong self-hating spree.
But it seems like I rarely do it. Hell, I almost feel like doing it just to break from tradition.

Adding to this stress, is the fact that I am fully aware that I have no right to complain!
I've got it very good right now, and my problems are nothing in comparison to the problems of the world, but that doesn't make the feelings go away.

I can trace my frustration to a simple fact: The world of grown-ups I envisioned when I was knee high dissappeared, and I was left with the world of today, a world of chaos, where people are aggressive for the sake of being aggressive, and where complaining like a child will get you what you want. This is not the suit-wearing, speak-easy attending jazz party I was led to believe I could be a part of upon my transfer into manhood.

I did get very lucky on one account though.
I've been talking to Sakie more and more on the phone, on MSN, through webcams, and relizing that, if I had any doubts about our engagment, they were wrong.
Sakie is leagues above what I even could have dreamed was waiting for me in adulthood.
Even if the whole world turned against me (which may very well be the case someday) I could weather the storm with her by my side.
On the flipside of that however, I've given her so much of myself that losing her could get me institutionalized.

I dont even have an ideal situation to say "If only the world were THIS"
I have no idea what would fix the world, I dont even know what would fix MY world.
I only know, right now, I feel pretty well twisted.